well.. i guess my blog has been under close scrutiny of late.. i mean suddenly everyone is coming to me.. hey.. not going to write anything anymore eh ? well i guess... i'm just assembling my thoughts.. yeah.. that blurt it all out.. yappers...

my grandma is a great great great women... we talked alot about her during the wake.. and it was then i realise i had such great affinity with her... i came to realise too.. my tears gland are actually faulty.. i wailed at the absence of her... i will not see her again...

she has gone through lots... born in 1920.. she witnessed the chaos post-era of world war one.. well okay she might be young then ... though she registered her birth as 1917... some screwed ups that was done on purpose because of the japanese occupation.. and yah of course she has been through world war 2.... plunders, pillages, massarcres.... you name it she's seen it.... she grew up with singapore... even singapore was a tiny sprout beside her....the communisms... the racial riots.. the whats hot and whats not... even when lee kuan yew cried.... she must be making sinister remarks... from exploding hair to extreme side parting to the now punky mohican's hair style... bell bottoms baggy fit boot cut straight cut... wow whimsical....

my grandpa died at 1959... my mum's only a primary 6 kid... and granny was only 39... for more than half a century... she has been raising her six children.. by washing clothes for everyone in the kampong... painstakingly she did... saw them grew up.. getting married... gave birth to my cousins and me.... everything she saw.. she put her hands in it... i hail her.. i salute her... half a century of being a widow... suffering the pain of losing her husband... the pain of losing a shoulder to lean on and cry on... she buffed up... without and complaints.... now enjoying the bliss of having her granchildren calling her 'dou dou'... well thats what we called in hainanese for great granny... bet it must be sweet...

to console myself i would say... she has already lived past the age of what normal singaporeans do.. and of course most of us was fillial to her... her latter years was rather an enjoyment... but how much can i convince myself... the grieves of losing my granny... who took care of me.. till i am what i am now....

i cried i wailed... maybe thats all i can do ... i really regret not spending more time with her... its already too late for regrets... its always the case... when i saw the priest closing up her coffin.. asking us to see her for the last time.... tears just refused to stop rolling... i shouted out once 'por'.... that made everyone cry.... and at that very moment her coffin was thrown beyond the gantry for cremation....... i was lost... for the ffirst fucking time... i saw my brother cry... he must have felt the pain as well..... but its all gone... i'm trying to make a collage of her in remembrance... and of course.. i do have a set of her usual wear in my wardrobe...

guys... i thank you for offering your condolences and all... especially rick.. i really do appreciate it... although all of you didn't come... i really wish you all had... it would be so much better.... walter i thank you for helping me collect 'bai jin' ... it was really sweet... really really sweet...

last of all i would like to blast Tan Tock Seng Hospital. Nothing against the nurses... they have been excellent... its the doctor... we weren't informed at all about the seriousness of her.... we tried to seek audience with her... left our numbers.. went numeral times to try to speak to her... and damn she was so busy.... though we do know she might go anytime... but AS A FUCKING DOCTOR YOU HAVE TO AT LEAST EXPLAIN HER CONDITION TO US ! nothing was heard... not even a thing like hey... please try to spend more time with her... her condition is critical... all was heard was her condition hasn't bettered... hasn't worsen... anyone in the right frame of mind would not think she would go in just three days in hospital... alot of us are complaining that we couldn't see the last of her... who did ? in the whole family only 2 saw her passed away... what etiquette ? i had wanted to write to forums in straits.. but i didn't want to blow the matter... she's already dead.. but guys... its just a stern warning to everyone... doctors might not know anything......

cheers.. i'm still living my life... i got my pink ic..hah i still remember ahmad saying.. ehhh jack how come you're still so sad.. you got your ic already leh... its obvious.. he doesn't know...

Dust thou art till dust returnest.
20 Feb 02 1728.
Muacks I love you.

argh.. my granny... she's so frail.. she can't even open up her eyes... gosh... really horrendous...
even her look breaks me...

gosh.. my granny was warded last night... i was petrified.. she has been with me ever since i was born.. i mean she's like the best granny one can ever have... i know she's so old and frail now... even though i have to face the reality.. but i don't want...i just can't... things just keep hitting onto me... i just want to keep my fingers cross.. and guys.. please help me pray for her..... thanks ....

sometimes i'm made to wonder. why people have different conception of things ? like what rick always say ? is the colour yellow really yellow.... the yellow i'm seeing.. is it the same yellow you are seeing ...its just because we are brought up this way... saying this is yellow... and we have to blindly accept it. and that comes to another thing. why is yellow call yellow ? and not green ? who in the world gave it the name. and how did he unify everyone to agree to it being yellow. humans are really a wonder. the creator of language is a blardy genius.

it just make you wonder... things get so preordained. what about life ? is it just another template? well it has to be ... man are born to die. and everyone follows the template. like the so often talk about e=mc². how did the blardy einstein derive this... and how in the world he can measure the speed of light. maybe i may sound noobish... but its just einstein thats why people trust him ? i don't know... maybe i just have to read up. some nuclear shittos i am thoroughly not into.

talking about light. anyone has any idea how to make light travel in circles. please enlighten me.
circles ... brings me to another query... how many sides to a circle ? infinite or 1 ? its really up to you to debate. it definitely isn't 1 because thats not the definition of a side. well crack your head maybe. i really wish to know. maybe too much rhetorical questions will make people bonkers. try not to think so much... perhaps just accept everything ... since everything is a template. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WHO CAN ESCAPE FROM BEING MOULD. blast the world... blast life... and blast osama.

i am probably in a state of hoo-ahh now. it just felt so strong. particularly on this day. to be loved. heh
to those idiots who actually broke off. good grievance, or maybe good riddance ? whoever is at fault is not at fault. love is selfish. there is no perfect lovers, don't mould your partner to become like how you want her/he to be, instead treasure how she/he is like. love her/him because its her/him; and not the blardy dreamlover you have conjured. if not, parting is the best solution. smiles and look ahead.

couples who only till today got together. i'm not trying to pour cold water. but look ... is it better to have someone who loves you more or have someone that you love to be your partner. its really worth a debate, i personally will only be with a girl whom i love and not a girl who loves me. sounds contradicting but its not. why trample on someone else's life, making everyone miserable. well it has to be mutual. in a relationship someone just got to suffer.

if you're a kind of blardy joker that is actually trying to 'tide' over this day ... get a life. you need to be more mature. my guess is people in irc must be advertising themselves to get a date. heh its really saddening to know that these people exist. its worst to know that there are people who actually go for this kinda people. whichever the case. smiles. do what you deem fit. live to regrets.

well... i'm really nonsensical. what else would i say ?

right now.. at this very blardy moment.. i do have alot to say... i mean hey its Valentines. wow... a day some fucker came up with so that couples can show appreciation to one another? or is it just a day to compensate for negligence... as some would say ... if true love lies... everyday is valentines...
i'm biting bittergourd maybe... but gosh ... being single isn't sinful... but why does it hurt so much... you know... people who are already firmly holding another's hand would always wished they had the space and liberty of being single .... its hurting... may not be sarcasm but it does pierce .... who in the blardy world doesn't wish to enjoy the bliss of being loved... you can give all you want to those you love... but whether that will be reciprocated is another matter... imagine how will you feel... the girl you really wish and love to be with.... is with another guy ... heh the worst thing; right at the very moment you are really longing for her presence beside you; she in actual fact is having a redezvours with another guy... to put it crudely.. she's being fucked by someone else.... heh the thoughts of being with her so much mixed with the thought of your very loved one being fucked by someone else... what a concotion of toxic ! whats the precipitate ? yah a whole bunch of unsound words and whines.... so what does that make v-day ?
i know she must be with him... but what can i do ? i'm no longer the one... or i will never be the one... not that i wanna delude myself again... but i was never the one she loved.... right at this moment.. i shout out ... i wanna live life to the fullest .... and of course pray that she's happy.

geee.. don't really like to write in here anymore... because its like... hai... used to think this is my hiding place such that i can shout out here... but... my laziness is actually getting the better of me... well... dyed my hair today.. haha... actually wanted blue.... turns out that i have to settle for ash brown... because blue can't be found... duh.... anyway the end-effect really sucked... guess my hair colour... its actually kinda like golden brown... gEe.. so blardy stupid...

yuanhao ar... why did you become so blardy cheehong? i don't know how much longer can i defend you anymore... heh... actually like errr... i don't know what to say... but chill.. don't get to upset over sufei... life's still a bitch... don't have to follow her footsteps.. be yourself okay?

oh my god.. i didn't know its feb already... and geee 20 more days. well.. kinda lost really... its not really a good thing to leave the army after all... i mean its paying me when i'm sleeping... whats better than that ! guess i'm really going to miss everyone in camp... and sweet kisses to all of you going abroad to study... well keep in touch...
had my longest ever gunbound session yesterday... geee i played from 1 to 10... its 1 am to 10 am ! hah.. i'm astounded as well... anyway its nothing about playing the game actually... i don't know w hy... but i just played it for so long...
and its been 10 days since i last errr quarrelled with ying.. i don't know why i flared up at her... maybe everything's heating up... dur... i think she's really really really mad at me... but then again... i don't know... its like a never ending affair... i am not going to wait forever ain't i... she thanked me for loving her so much... she knows but can't reciprocate... what the heck... !but i never forget the things she said to me on my birthday... well... i'm getting gibberrish.. tata

to babiegrl : - life's a bitch yah... don't get too close to me.. haha
to wakey : - mr. nice guy yah? i actually pissed you off... good job

what's happening.. so unlike myself... i am going bOooNNkkKKErrrS !

we are drained off our colours. we used to love ourselves. we used to love one another.